Divorce Doesn’t Have to Mean a Broken Family!
In most cases, divorce is now seen as a better, healthier alternative than ‘sticking’ with an unhappy marriage – particularly where children are concerned. This is because children pick up on atmospheres. Witnessing and hearing perpetual arguments and parental unhappiness can have a serious impact on their mental well being and happiness that can ultimately lead to a requirement for counselling.
However, being divorced and living separately from your ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t provide your children with the security and emotional stability that co-parenting helps to provide. Whilst there are obviously cases where this wouldn’t work – such as an ex partner that’s abusive and a risk to children, it is well proven that generally, children benefit from the love and in-put of both their parents.
Agreeing to co-parent, with pre-agreed guidelines in place, will not only help to shield your children from the brunt of your divorce, but also, it will help to ensure that your children remain as happy and as well adjusted as they can be, given the situation, with them getting the best from both parents.
These are the guidelines that we suggest you consider:
Put pain and anger aside. This is a big ask, especially early on when feelings between you and your ex are possibly still riding high! It’s important to remember that a bad husband or wife doesn’t always mean that they’re a bad parent.
Don’t use your children. Children shouldn’t be used as messengers between you and your ex. Furthermore, don’t talk negatively about your ex to or in front of your children to try and win favour or even to vent your anger. Your children are not your counsellors and in their eyes, you are both their hero’s. Shattering their beliefs can have untold consequences.
Agree on parenting techniques. Work together with your ex to set ground rules and values and be open to communication on child related matters regardless of what you’re doing and whether the children are currently with you or not. Remember, you are divorced as a couple BUT united as parents.
Consult on important decisions. Reach out to each other to share advice on all important decisions. It’s one thing to let your kids occasionally eat junk food BUT entirely another to make big decisions, like changing schools or medical decisions, without consulting your ex.
Agree on child finances. Financing is an important part of co-parenting – so, from the very start, have an agreement in terms of the funds required to look after your children. Recognise that the two of you might not have the same financial stability or available income.
Support each other as co-parents. Children do argue with their parents and ‘push boundaries’ and with this in mind, it’s important to understand that they will try and play one parent off against the other! It’s important that you are both wise to this and that you both remain on ‘the same page’ regarding issues. Don’t fall into the trap of giving into demands to gain favour and don’t allow your children to bad mouth your ex because they wouldn’t give in to demands.
Be consistent with routines. Consistency, in terms of things like bed times and completing home-works, regardless of which parent they are with, as well as knowing which parent they will be with on certain days is vital to stability. Once again, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be your child’s best friend by allowing them to stay up late or eat what they want. Remember, you’re not their best friend – you are their parents! Routine and consistency, between parents, creates children that feel secure, happy and respectful.
Be open to compromise. Occasionally, life throws up issues. It might be that one parent has to work late or go way OR perhaps one of you can’t afford ‘club’ fees. Regardless of the reasons, recognise that overtime it will be a case of swings and roundabouts in terms of helping each other out.
Quality time over quantity. Don’t get too hung up on how much time children spend with each of you. Try and create a sensible division of time that works for the pair of you. Quality time is always better than quantity and this doesn’t have to mean spending lots of money on them. Sitting on the sofa and watching a film or playing a game together or even taking them to the local park are all easy and affordable things to do - contributing to valuable bonding time and childhood memories.
Be subtle regarding new partners. Waiting a while, rather than introducing your children to new partners, is the sensible thing to do; your need to let your children get used to the significant change in their lives first. Obviously, what you do in your own time – when you don’t have care of the children, is your own business – but try to be subtle! Ideally, you need to be sure and serious about any new partner before you introduce your children to them. Whilst you might take the view that ‘it’s none of their business,’ it might be best to inform your ex that you are seeing someone rather than them finding out via a third party or through your children!
New partners must accept the family dynamic. It’s important that any new, potential long-term partner understands that you co-parent, that you have an understanding with your ex in place and that your children come first. Undoubtedly, with time, your new partner will make observations and will form opinions both on your ex and how things are organised. However, if you’re happy with the co-parenting situation and it was working well before your new partner came onto the scene, it can be detrimental to allow them to have an undue influence on the ‘family dynamic.’ Whilst it can be terribly hard and difficult to forge new relationships when in a co-parenting situation, you mustn’t lose sight of the fact that your children should always come first. If your new partner is unable to accept the situation then perhaps they’re not right for you at this stage in your life.
Life is never simple after divorce and with children involved. It’s a fact that no matter how well you get on with your ex there will be times when you disagree regardless of how hard you’re trying and how reasonable and accommodating you feel you have been. However, it’s important, for the sake of your children and your own wellbeing that you try to adhere to the above principals and try to maintain reasonable lines of communication with your ex.
At RJS Family Law, we can advise on contact schedules and finances to help put into effect the best co-parenting plan for you and your children.
For further information: rjs@rjsfamilylaw.co.uk