Apply Caution when Disciplining Your Children.

There are separated and divorced parents who respect and trust each other’s parenting styles and continue to support each other’s decisions and procedures when it comes to disciplining their children. This parental ‘united front’ not only makes for children that feel more secure, since children know exactly where they stand, but also, it prevents one child ‘playing’ one parent off against another.

However, if parental relations are and remain acrimonious and if there are ongoing residency / contact issues, you need to apply extreme caution when it comes to disciplining your children.

Children will be children and inevitably, they will be naughty – from time to time and ‘push boundaries;’ regardless of their age. Some children, depending on their personality, will perhaps ‘play up’ more than others. You also need to consider that your separation / divorce could have a profound effect on their behaviour. Given this, sometimes more love and reassurance is required rather than chastisement.

Whilst your duty and responsibility, as a parent, dictates that you need to recognise your child’s wrong doings and to take appropriate action, if you have an ex that would want for nothing more than to reduce your levels of contact or residency with your children, then be both cautious and sensible in the ways in which you chastise your children. Yes; you need rules and boundaries BUT how you maintain these requires careful and wise consideration.

Whilst a ‘smack’ could constitute ‘reasonable punishment,’ it is very much frowned upon and with regards to English law – somewhat of a grey and uncertain area. Furthermore, however light your smack might have been, your ex will try and exaggerate the event to their advantage; don’t give them that opportunity. You don’t need the stress of a Social Services or ‘CAFCASS’ investigation and report which your ex will undoubtedly request – if only to shine a bad light on you! Remember, smacking is already outlawed in Scotland, with Wales to follow in 2022.

Here are some tips that RJS Family Law recommend you try and follow:

• DO maintain simple, clear rules and limits for when your children are with you. Be consistent and never relax these to appease your ex; it’s your time and your home!

• DO be a good role model and teach by example. This includes language, respect of property, other people and manners in general.

• DO praise good behaviour to encourage further good behaviour.

• DON’T try and win your children’s favour by showering them with gifts, letting them stay up late and eat what they want. Children, at any age, are not daft and will play on your stupidity. The most precious thing you can give your children is your time.

• DO Punish by removal of privileges and for younger children ‘time out.’ Make it clear to them as to why you are taking such action AND NEVER rise to ‘I’m going to tell mummy or daddy!’

• DO establish mobile phone contact boundaries, for when your children are with you, with both your ex and your children. It can make for a stressful time if children are reporting back to your ex – and if your ex is intruding on your time with your children.

• DO make family, friends and even the school aware of any issues you have had, regarding your children’s behaviour and the actions you have taken. In most situations, they will agree with how you have handled the situation. It also means that the action you’ve taken is in ‘the public domain;’ which can be useful to call upon – should any action you have taken be exaggerated by your ex and used against you.

• CONSIDER, particularly if you have an especially difficult ex, keeping a diary for the time you have their children. Note what you did with them each day, what they had to eat as well as any difficulties you have had with them and how you answered the issues along with any additional support from the school(s) and family. In the event that your levels of parental care are challenged, such a diary can be a useful tool.

• DO take smart-phone pictures of your children enjoying themselves, whilst in your care. Not only are they nice things to have, but also, they can corroborate both your levels of care and your contact diary.

• NEVER smack – not even a light smack and try to avoid heavily chastising your children in public. It’s often the seemingly pleasant ‘friend’ that loves to ‘tittle tackle’ and report back to your ex!

Above all, try and enjoy your time when you are with your children and shut your ex out of your mind since this will impede your enjoyment . Keep in mind that they’re not children for long so it’s important that you build happy memories – not just for them, but for you also.

For further advice on children(s) contact, get in touch with RSJ Family Law.