The Red Flags of an Abusive Relationship

As a family solicitor of many years, I am often asked by client’s how they came to be in an abusive relationship; why didn’t they see it at the time. They were only able to see the faults after they had left and reflected upon the relationship.

The reality is that their partners behaviour was there all the time, they just were not receptive to the ‘red flags’ or overlooked them in the name of love.

However, ignore them or not, below are a few typical ‘red flags:’

They play the victim

They refuse to accept responsibility for their own behaviour. Sure - we all make mistakes in life but if someone plays the victim and refuses to see their own part in the problem then this should put you on alert. They make everything about them and its always everyone else’s fault. This follows on to the next red flag:

The ex is a ‘psycho,’ ‘mad’ or other some other such description

I accept that some relationships end badly, but someone who describes their ex as a psycho or mad should put you on alert. Even more so if the ex states that the relationship was violent or controlling! Relationships often follow a pattern and how long will it be before you are the ‘psycho?’

Unable to move on

Does that person continually talk about their ex or something that has happened in their lives? Do they seem unable to move on? Most adults don’t feel the need to continually bring up the past and they certainly don’t stand in a local pub running you down to everyone that will listen.

No contact with children

Having been a family lawyer for a long time, most parents don’t stop contact with the other parent unless there is a very good reason (although I accept that this is not always the case). If a potential partner tells you that they have been stopped from having contact with their children or they just don’t seem to make the effort then consider very carefully the reasons behind this.

Nasty and spiteful

Have you been out for dinner and your date is rude or patronising to the waiters or waitresses? This is a concern because if they can behave like that to someone they don’t know how will they treat you in the future?

The controller

Is that person getting in a huff because you want to go out with your friends? Are they telling you that maybe you shouldn’t eat that slice of cake because you might put on weight on or are they telling you not to talk to someone when you are out for no particular reason?

Anger and aggression

Any signs of anger and aggression to others should be a huge red flag. If they can behave like that to other people, how long before they start that behaviour towards you? Do they overreact to things that really shouldn’t bother them to the extent that it does?

If you see any of these red flags in a relationship then run away (very fast)!

And the next time you embark on a relationship remember you are worthwhile and you deserve to be loved by someone who loves you with kindness, passion and is supportive and ………. tells you that you can eat that slice of cake!

Contact us for more advice or a free initial appointment.